Friends may seems to be with you all the time,but it is not..When you are in agony and pain..
and need someone to be there for you but you can't..
At times when I want someone to be there. I can't. My actions. My words. Seems to be a trash in many people eyes. Who Am I? I often asked myself. Why I can't be accepted? Why am I not the type of guy you all seeking? Who am I belong to then? Each time, when I reach home, I am alone.
I can't find someone to talk to neither a good friend to chat with. In school, I can't find a place that I can fit in. All I do is make noises and get unwanted attention but at least it makes them noticed that I am there.
I do not know what to do and do not want to be alone yet here I am wallowing into self pitifulness. I can;t be cool neither I can be sweet and nice. Everyone seems to be dislike every part of me. My family does not like me, my friends do not see me. I felt like a clown doing silly and stupid stuff as to gain attention and indirectly entertaining them but often this acts are being mimic and make a joke out of me where in the end I am hurt greatly.
The day. where I went to my friend house, I thought I can help in making the cookies but in actual fact I can't. They seems to be disgusted and asked me not to do it again. I felt helpless and useless at that point of time or all the time. Teacher says we are born being special. Each of us having our good and bad points. I can't see my good points but only the weak points where many people is displeased with. I am weak. I do not have the courage to carry out any desire things that I have in mind. I want to hate a person but I can't really carry it out.
Every time I sms or tell someone that, the immediate reply will be "Hate lor, I also do not care." But when it is their turn to say it on me, I am like a dog begging for a chance to be friends with them again. The feeling is painful and hurtful. Every time I see a lost friend, a friend that doesn't want to come into contact with me again. Are promises really meant to be broken? I remembered a lost friends last sentence to me is " YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY PATHETIC GUY !"
I am shocked and accepted that. All of us have our up and downs but when we are down, we will always think we are the worst of the worst isn't it? There so much to be seen and there is so much to be said. But when I am totally depressed, there will only tear and nothing left to be said.
Relationship ain't that easy as it seems. Love have been said so easily by teenagers nowadays but do they really understand the meaning of it? There is so much to be considered for a teenager at our age. What is important to us now and stuff?
But the hardest thing to learn is things that needed to be let go. I can't let go of my feelings as easily I give up in trying to learn something new. This feelings of me haunt me. As much as I want to be a friend to someone, this feelings of mine prevent it. My situation now like the song sang by Rascal Flatts tittled What Hurts The Most. I am now too deep into the emotions that I have trouble in getting myself out of it. This year is a crucial year for me. Yet I let myself to be in this stupid situation.
When can I really be focused onto something and be a brand new person. As far as I know, people despised me. Look down on me. I have done anything that can make me proud. How I wish I have a concussion and forget everyone and everything and start a new but it is definitely impossible. Happy is the key to my life. If I am happy, I will feel the urge to do everything well and try my best in everything. But I can't be happy. Trying hard to be happy but each time I faced an obstacle and broke down like a newborn baby.
I am shy. People do not take notice of that. They thought I am those very "open" type. But certainly I am not. I need some motivation. I really do. I going to end this post with a story.
There is a girl named Alicia. Alicia lived in a small town in the north of Rome. Growing up, Alicia never knew her father. And when she was 3, Alicia's mother was diagnosed with leukemia. Two years later, when Alicia was 5, she went to visit her mother in the hospital. As she took her last breath, Alicia's mother told Alicia,"Alicia, my dear daughter. Remember this always. Happiness is the key to life and she passed away. Alicia never forget her mother's last words. A few days later, at school, Alicia's teacher told the class that they had to write a short paragraph on the topic of "What I Want To Be When I Grow Up". The class had to present their paragraph to the class. Alicia was the last to go. When she walked up to the front of the class and help up her paper, a single word was scrawled across it. Happy. Annoyed, the teacher then told Alicia, "Alicia, I don't think you understand the assignment." Alicia replied,"Teacher, I don't think you UNDERSTAND LIFE."
I hope you all get what I am trying to mean from the story.