Has Everything Change or It is Just That I never Face It At All..
Friday, July 9, 2010 10:40 PM
Computer can be used once again.. And its time where all the feelings to be unleashed one again...
Many things have happened during this 1 month and 5 days.... Sorrows as usual and also some enlightenment... I am quite surprise that I can suppress all these emotion of mine until now.... Now when I can type again, the pain inside me awakened once again and what I shut off from my mind during the Junes is now rushing back into my brain.. Hence now with the music and memories back into me, this pain is full blast now...
Today I have o lvl mother tongue paper.... I screwed up at the end and do not now did I really answer to the question asked.. I can only clear this doubts of mine when I see my mother tongue teacher next week for lesson..
There is many things that I really do not understand... The last week of June holiday, I went back to school for counselling as I really can bear all this emotions and question inside me ever again... Mrs Goh said that now I have to focus on my studies... Thats all I can do...
She said for friends around me to notice me for me will have to wait... What I fear is my secondary school life is ending soon... What if they still don't when I leave this school...
Everyone have feelings.. And these feelings have caused Bass to be in a terrible state... Everyone in Bass do not like her attitude...
Have you ever feel like you have trapped between both sides as both sides come to you and tell them their problems and you do not know to help which side? If I help A and speak up for her, I can't really guarantee that B will listen... If I help B to speak up, I feel like I have never give a chance for A to speak up for herself and make it like everything is her fault...
Both parties have faults.. But I certainly do not have the courage to pin point them out... In the end, I am the one who is going to be said bias no matter which side I am trying to help as there is certainly displeasure in them to make them said that.. I really want to solve this conflict and see you all bond as one again.. But I do not know how as I feel as frustrated and sad like you all....
Talking about displeasure, I too have some but I do not whether am I right or wrong to feel displeased.. Readers can you judged from me for that?
I do not know if this counted as an argument but still it upsets me.. It all started by a movie... I do not know what grudges he have towards the Twilight Saga Movie : Eclipse... If I piss him off by keep on saying I want to go watch, he can just asked me to stop saying it as it piss him off... But no... When someone loved something alot and another person talks bad about it, isn't it natural for the someone to feel displease with the statement that the another person talks about?
He said Eclipse is Gay... I really want to ask Whats the problem with you... He found people to back up his statement but there am I left alone to back up my own statement ... I do not want a huge argument to be created so I left the scene...
What I want to tell him is this.. If you do not like to watch that "GAY" movie, I am totally fine with it.. But do you have to make a remarks.. Can't a guy view that? What is he trying to tell me when he make the statement.. To tell me that every guy who watch it are gays?
He loves or likes D.O.T.A... I never said anything about it and make any remarks about it too... Imagine, if I make any remarks about D.O.T.A, I guess you will really feel very displeased too isn't it? Why can't you just understand...
I really feel it is harder for me to go out with them again... One feel that I am super sensitive and one just keep on laughing about me which I do not know why... I don really want to elaborate more and explain more on this part...
I know really confused with people thoughts.. I suddenly do not know why my junior ignore me or act ignorance in front of me.. I really wish that I am thinking too much... But what she said to me I still remember and it left me feel hurt and confused... I want to confront her about it but think about it again I do not have the courage to.. I scared this is an misunderstanding or if I really did that I might lose a friend all together and piss her off...
I really do not understand a friend whom I THINK I used to be close to anymore... She said everyone do not want to be her friend and ditch her aside.. I said no I will be there for you...
I do not know if I am plain dumb or I am just really an imbecile... She doesn't want my care and concern.. She do not want me to be her friend but others.... I only noticed that recently..
Friends to me is similar to love.. You cant force someone to be your friend.. Neither can you force someone to love you.. Let them go ; do not hold onto them.... If they want to come back to you as lover or friend.. They will...
Now I let go everyone of them... In the past, I cant let it go.... But know I know I have to, or the conflict will be greater... But I let go of them with the understand that despite I letting go as friends or the person I love.. They would not come back to me as anyone of the category again...
If they are back, most probably will back as enemy and not friends and lover anymore... It have always been this case...
I realized when I fall, I will have a loud thump... Why? Because I have no back up... No one is there to help me up...
108 days to O lvl... Other than teacher that I turn to for help, I can't find anyone who is willing to work hard with me for a few months...
It is the same old saying... At home you depend your family for assistance and help.. When you are outside, you depend on friends...
For me, a person who do not know if he has any friends... Who do I depend on for help when I needed one?
In school, I depend on Afifah accompany as I can talk to her freely.. But she will not always be there for me.. I am pretty sure of that as she has her own circle of friends and a boyfriend.. But in sch , she is the one I can talked to with no worries...
Life is hard... Will I survive through it alone? Will I?