Many months has passed since I last blog... Many things have happen... Many things that I have learnt too....
O levels is over.. I did try my best except for geography... I dunno... I never have any confidence in myself.... So....weak..
The year is getting to an end soon.... The happy thing is that I have finally graduate... The sad thing? I still lose friends....
Its not that I dunno what the problem is... Its just that how can I ca=hange myself to whom people will respect and listen... That day when Farah ask me to stop contacting her... The pain surface again...
I turn to Stephanie and Amalina... Before that I dunno who I can turn to.... Guys would not help that for sure.... Girls have been irritated away by me and stuff...
Why must I keep on lose friends? I HATE myself more than the people who hate me... Why must I always hurt or scare away my friends.... And make them angry or irritated....
Can someone tell me what should I do? Nth I do seems right... I am very scared now.... Weak....
I now I dun even know wad is friends? My world.. Is so dark... I can't find anyone that I am so sure that I won't hurt them anymore.
The pain that caused by others who hurt you can't be compared to the pain that you inflict on others... I hurt her so much... I scared her so much....
I thought I am helping.. But in the end, I am just making her feeling worst... I feel like a jerk... A jerk who never meant to be born...
My lack of confidence in myself has let me lose my friends I guess.... I thought my feeling is numb when it comes to losing friends and stuff as it seems to be a daily thing happening to me.... The feeling is so fresh and it just cuts through my heart... It hurts....a lot more than I can think of each time....
Sometimes I find myself very silly and very stupid.. Just a mere Hi from a Friend that have not talk to me about a year, I actually be so happy that I can't sleep for that whole night trying to remember this moment...
Very silly and stupid isn't it?
Next year, I am going to a new institution... A whole new life will be starting I guess..... Should I start make new acquaintances or just be an introvert so that history would not repeat itself again? Very confusing....
Now each time I see a person who used to be my friend and I can't bring myself to talk to them again.. Its terrible and miserable... The feeling of want to but cant.....
At my work place. I dunno why I feel so free.... Its like my emotional burden is gone.... I can just be like a brand new person.... As they do not know me...
I have to be careful at the same time either.. Not to make my colleagues hate me this time but like me.... Nothing to find me irritating but sociable... I wonder will I ever succeed wif all these things...
I spend 3 days 2 night at Denson house with OZH... Well I have a great time as we chatted alot of things.. Its a long time sine people are willing to share things with me.... So I am still glad that I am allowed to overnight at his house...
Yesterday was clearly the best day of the holiday in my life..... I have never feel so cheerful for a long time.... Yusof and Rhoma clearly make my day .... Sabrina and Zara too... Their warm smile is the smile that I have miss out for a long time from my friends faces.... I truly wish that day never end....(happen at work place, They are my colleauges)
Today is CO camp.... I overnight for one day even though the programmes say it is a 3D 2N camp... Guess wad? I today have a conversation wif Angelica , Sok Ling and Tyy Pey..... And see the smiles from their faces once again....
It remind me the moments we had together in the past... It makes me feel so warm once again... I hope that that conversation never ends too.. But time is alwways not by my side but at least this time god is nice to me by giving me a chance to talk to them again...
Even with all these little happiness, I am still worried and sad... Few weeks ago, I and her start to send message to each other again... The feelings of calmness and joy is there too.... Even though she sometimes will reply my messages late for a few days ,at least she still reply... Now its a week since we last contact..
I wonder what have I done this time wrong.....
Erm readers, do you all know of any place that I can do voluntary work... If there is, please intoduce to me... I want to contribute something to those less fortunates if possible... Unable to get a smile from myself, I just have to bring smile to others and try to make the world a better place to live in....
Now I am happy and sad... A misture of confusion and agony... I wonder when will I really stand strong like what Angel have said...
Looking aback at those toddlers that I know... Now they have grown... When babies are being born out of the world, they are so innocent and so pure...
When they grow, they change.... Some still remain the same, innocent and pure, while some because of the surroundings they are living in causes them to actually be the bad boy or girl everyone thinks... Why is life that cruel and can't make everyone live in the same surroundings ?
I feel so vexed now... Cant sleep yet can't find anything to empty all my feelings and thoughts out.... Even have blog and twitter, some feelings still cant get it out through typing... Today Angela tell me that in poly, the students will often be classified as sociable and unsociable... I wonder which category I will fall in.....
Side track from my feelings for awhile... I am getting fatter !!!! Gosh! Everyday want to wake up go gym but I am too lazy and tired to do so... Hais.. when can I shed off this piece of ugly wobbly fats in me???!!!
Sometimes I wonder, am I the one who have super memory or wad... Everyone is shock of the things that I know... They said until like how can I know so much when I am M.I.A from the cyber world and rarely go out with anyone.... THye are shock at a boy who during recess sits at a corner listen songs can know things that they dunno and even more than them....
Atually, the stuff that I know is what they tell me and I remember them... Thats all...
Thats all for today... I miss everyone so much...Especially Dumb Dumb, Silly One and Mei.......